!%#$!&!

It’s been since august. ‘bout 9 months now. What am I waiting for?

Coming back? She never will, I don’t think. And to tell the truth, part of me really doesn’t want to even see her - ever again. For the longest time now I kept believing that even though she might have a few screws loose in her head the fact that she is still ‘my wife’ meant alot to me. It meant that she’d eventually be back and that we’d work things out to try and bring back the feelings we once had in our relationship.

She calls me sometimes, and doesn’t quit with the emails... I don’t feel like losing her friendship, but I think it would be best.

The other day we met for supper and then afterwards we talked for a long time in the parking lot. Everything was ok, till we started talking about us, about if we would ever have a chance of coming back together. Although she never came out and said it I think she was seriously considering trying out a “new” relationship between each other. That’s right... “new”?? anyways the conversation switched over for some reason, and we started talking about how she had tried dating and found that what we had before was much healthier than what she experienced.

Now obviously I had my doubts, but still had to ask who she had decided to experience this “dating” with? And well and behold, it was with the same mother-fuckin’ butt plug that started this whole ordeal! What a fuckin’ douche bag this guy is! Anyways, I had kinda guessed it would have been him, but it still pissed me off! Worst part is, and this is why I’ve been really annoyed of just even hearing her voice lately, it’s when I asked how ‘far’ this dating experience of hers went, she refused to answer. She told me she knew the answer would upset me. Well guess what sweetcheeks I’m pretty fuckin’ upset now! That means you’ve been literary fucking around with that son-of-a-bitch while I was waiting for you to fucking find yourself! And I know this happened, not a month ago... but rather 9 months ago!

Fuck You.

When that asshole’s girlfriend called you a slut at the beginning of all this, I guess she knew you a whole lot better than I did.
too upset to keep typing now.

Increased confusion

"She's not coming back, she's not coming back, she's not coming back..." I'm repeating these words over and over in my head as if I'm trying to convince myself of something I didn't already know.

But what does that mean - "She's not coming back"? That I have to forget about her? That I have to move on?

She and I had a long conversation yesterday, and she doesn't understand how I can still be so nice towards her even after all she's done to me. Maybe I'm just in denial (and I don't think I am - then again that's what being in denial is, right?).

Truth is I don't know why I'm still nice to her... Maybe cuz we still share a lot? And I wouldn't want all this to end in worst terms than they already are?

I think I gotta change my life, dramatically! Dramatically enough to forget her, the house, the dog and the life we had built together.

I've applied for a few jobs lately and hopefully I'll get one of them and start forgetting!

Facebook...

So i've finally decided to join the facebook fad.

Kinda upsetting though, a good handful of people i used to know from way back are or are getting all married. I guess it's understandable since we were all the same age group, and 25-29 yrs seems to be the popular ages to get married now-a-days.

Part of me just want to warn them... warn them about the possibilities that even though they are sure of what their getting in to - they can never be entirely sure of what their partners will think/feel in 2yrs from now. But I know saying that would just be completely impolite, and kinda like I would be putting a hex on them or something.... so for now, i'll hold my tongue.

I do wish them all the best though! (and that's the truth) I would never hope what i’m going through on any of them! Even the ones i don't like, hahaha.

This facebook thing is way to addictive though, i've been checking my "friend status" at least once an hour and it's irritating me how much i'm caught up in it!

I did however did get to chat a bit with a girl I went to elementary with over 20yrs ago! it's crazy, cuz I remember having a secret crush on her and when I moved from my hometown in 1987 I was determined that i'd be back to marry that girl... hahaha, I was but a little 1st grader then... funny huh?

Well, from what i can see on her 'profile site' she recently got married and she tells me that she remembers me. which blows my mind... 20yrs ago! I don't think I know the guy she's married to, but in the pictures, she looks happy - and that's cool.

As you can tell my blog is much more light hearted today, and it kinda feels good to write a little when i'm not mad. I guess the reasons for my last blogs was cuz I had something on my heart that needed to be voiced (or blog'd). Today, i think i'm procrastinating from finishing my front entrance renovations... hehehe.

Well I guess i better check my Facebook once more and actually get some more work on those stairs.

later.

Blah - part 3

Ok today, I promiss to keep my cool and I'll make it short cuz I'm tired!

Actually the thoughts running through my head right now make it seem like this entry will be a little to long, so I better just call it a night and I'll be back a later date!

(I knew it'd be short, heh?)

Blah - part 2

Alright, so maybe I've calm'd down a little since the other day but that's just because I've been ignoring the whole situation since then. and the more I'm typing this message the more of that day's emotions seem to be crawlin' back up

.....

It really pisses me off that she expect that once this marriage is off she still wants to remain friends. Ya right! Why would I even want to be in the same room as the person that promised me their complete love and devotion then, one day out of the fucking blue, decided to suck the life out of my heart and soul, push it to the ground and stomp on it till it's nicely bruised beyon repair, just for fun? Oh ya, we'd be great friend!

Seven years I've known this women.
Seven years we've been together.
You do realise what people go through in seven years together right?

And she just brushed it off like it was a piece of lint on her shoulder.

Oh, and another thing, after she was done tearing me apart she came up to me and told me she's moving out of the house we bought, and that I technicly owe her half of the sales profit when the house is sold. WTF!!!? And if I end up selling the house for less then we bought it for, do you get half the mother fucking dette? Bullshit.

We are married for fucksake! Let's just work this shit out! But no. She decided to take the easy way out for her. Damn! I'm mad at that!

I realise that I might be potrayin' a real hatefull image here, but I don't hate her, I'm far from it. I'm just mad. Mad that I've failed at this marriage. And mad that I was not enough to keep her happy. Realizing this gives me the saddest feeling I've ever felt.

Blah

Am I satisfied?It's the question I keep posing myself...

Well, bluntly my answer is "no".

I can't stop wondering: Do I say that because that's the answer that I should be thinking?

Sometimes my mind wanders and I think of how exciting it would be starting my life with someone new... but then reality sets in. Sharing my life with someone new will most likely result to where my life is now, even if it doesn't, I'd be so affraid to ever commit like I've done in the past that i would never get married again, so I guess I can kiss my so called "white picked fence" dreams out the fucking door!

...

Is THAT why I'm unsatisfied? Because my dreams have been completly destroyed? Or does it have anything to do with her not being here anymore? What was she able to bring the table that allowed me to be satisfied?

All these questions and I seriously have no answer to them. I think what is keeping me sane is that in the back of my mind i feel like I'm on a mission somewhere and that I'll be meeting up with her once my duties are accomplished. Just like things will be back to "normal" with her, maybe not soon, but eventually

(Pathetic, i know)

You know what I don't like?I don't like the fact that she might not be missing me at all. After all we've been through she was able to brush it all away with a measly 6 months.
If I ever see that asshole that decided to start all this... I really hope I lose my cool and hit him or something. I'm sure she would think that would be the stupidest thing for me to do, but he deserves it! Wtf, what kind of guy moves on a married girl? A real fucked up guy, that's who.
But knowing myself I would probably do nothing. 'cuz I'm the kind of guy who too affraid to get myself into trouble. There's a part of me, I tell ya, that just want punch the shit out of him for ruining my, and her life.

Ok well I'm tired. Going to bed madder than I had hope to be.

initial "yo!"

No one I know should be reading this.
I just decided to find a place i can hide and vent about my current situations.

I certainly hope i can entertain all at the same time, but unfortunatly I think I have more negative stuff to bring to the table theses days than the good stuff.

Let's see how it goes.... hopefully this will help me out figure stuff out.